I really hope this post doesn't get too long and wordy.. I hope none of my posts ever feel that way but I have lots of say and hopefully I'll just get straight to the point.
The summer before 10th grade I got this crazy idea in my head that I was fat. Mind you, I have never been overweight in my life (Ehh, I was over 9 pounds at birth. Guess I was overweight at that point). I have actually always been pretty tiny, but something in my head told me not to eat. So I didn't.
Long, long, ridiculously long story short, I lost about 20 pounds and weighed less than 100 pounds (I've always been pretty athletic, and 5'4). Because of my rapid weight loss, I was a pretty cute flyer on my high school's varsity cheer team.
Enter my husband. I couldn't starve myself and date someone, so I honestly just started eating again. My parents immediately loved the guy, and I was happy and comfortable in my skin.
My mom (even on her death bed) always reminded me that you are never cured of an eating disorder. While I do have to agree with her, I think I have been able to silence the demons in my head that tell me I'm fat on a daily basis.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was worried I would struggle with gaining weight. (Looking back, HA!). It was secretly in the back of everyone's minds, but I knew I had to do what was best for my baby.
Maternity clothes shopping was hard. What do you mean I cannot wear my regular size 2 pants with a bella band for nine months? That's what all my skinny friends did, why can't I? Oh, because of my Kim Kardashian butt..sweet.
Having the sales associate tell me I should probably try a size MEDIUM instead of a small was mortifying.
And then something amazing happened while I was pouting in the Pea in a Pod dressing room.
My belly was moving and I could see it from the outside!
My little girl moving around and saying "Hi Mommie!".
Some days are really hard. It is a constant struggle. Some days I feel like a busted can of biscuits. And others? I feel like a fertility goddess. Seriously.
Hello-- that nose and that ear? We made that. My body created that. How cool is that.
While most days I sit in the shower and wonder if I will ever get back to my pre-prego body, I appreciate everything. Every pound (there are a lot of them), every random bright blue vein (What the heck are those?), the stretch mark under my right boob, and my shallow belly button.
I will take all of that and more for my little gal.
What I can't forget is that we are having a baby girl. A girl who has to grow up in this skinny obsessed world and survive. I have to remember that I cannot complain about my body, period. I have to teach her to appreciate her body, and not be size 0 obsessed.
It will be a learning curve for everyone. Part of me thinks that's why God blessed us with a girl; He wants us to appreciate our bodies together. He wanted to test me. God is funny. :)
So to all of my mama friends out there who are reading this-- You are all so beautiful! Each and every one of you are not only physically beautiful, but spiritually beautiful. xO